Review: Deadpool 2

I’ll start this review with four letters; LMAO. Just seems apt to.

Hi everyone! Yeah, yeah. It’s me. I’m back. Again.
Apologizing over and over for the evil bitch that is life getting in the way and causing me to go rogue away from here (for lengthy periods on end) is a tired, old horse that has taken so much of a beating, it’s as good as dead.
So I won’t beat it. The horse, I mean. Not today.

But I’m here. I’m back. Let’s get to it.

If you go through this here blog of mine, you’ll notice that the first movie I reviewed was the first Deadpool. I will now enter a time haze for a moment and return to 2016.
That movie came to fruition. A miracle (more or less) to behold. A refreshing cape-flick that in all of its crass vulgarity was exceedingly meta, funny to death and actually had people saying that the “Superhero Movie Fatigue” (which doesn’t even exist, BTW 😑) has been averted.

A good movie. A good time.

Fast forward and here we are with a sequel.
From a new director David Leitch (who worked on the awesome John Wick and directed 2017’s Atomic Blonde) and the powerhouse producers (Kinberg etc.) returning to oversee.

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I was entirely skeptical at first because I was almost sure there was NO WAY they would be capturing lightning in a bottle liked they did with the first. Especially without Tim Miller (first movie’s director).

A reasonable worry at the time, but thinking back, was I wrong to be skeptical? The answer is…wait for it…

YES.

Deadpool 2 did the unthinkable. It’s as good as, if a bit better (in some areas) than the first.
I know. Even I can’t believe it.

In this day and age, we’re no strangers to R-rated superhero films. The ones that have the balls and are willing to go all out with how they’re executed. Every now and then, we’d get a Kick Ass or something as stirringly profound as Logan. We love our gory, crass, extra-violent superhero flicks which is why when Deadpool came around posing all that with a side of smart, rib-cracking meta-‘indulgement’, we loved it.

Here’s the thing; the name ‘Deadpool 2’ is apt.
Meaning that “2” in this case can be seen as a multiplier. Or an exponential, if you will.
Deadpool 2.
More like: Deadpool * 2. Or better still, Deadpool2 .

The ante has been upped. Amplified.
There’s more swearing, more slicing and dicing, more witty gags, more gross-out jokes, more destruction (I swear, they literally destroyed an entire bridge this time), more meta references (seriously, you’re not even ready for all the jokes and jabs taken at other films, franchises and pop culture in general), more cameos.
More, more, more.

Is that necessarily a good thing? Yes. Why? Because that’s precisely what is expedient for the movie and franchise at this point. More.

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Courtesy: 20th Century Fox

Before I dig too deep in, I should say that this review contains SPOILERS! (Duh.) If you haven’t seen the movie, well…probably get the hell outta here. Or continue at your own risk. You’ve been warned.

So yeah, synopsis.
Our favourite merc with a mouth, Wade Wilson/Deadpool, has settled in and put up with his mercenary business; singlehandedly taking out entire mob organizations in truly spectacular fashion. It’s all great until…oh, wait…
Sloppy job. He fails to clean up good and end a target. Said target comes back to bite him hard in the nutsack and so, all of a sudden, BAM! We’re saying bye-bye to Vanessa.
Wade’s sweet lady-love. She’s gone. Killed. Dead. *cue sad emoji* 😢 😭
Our guy can’t take it. He can’t be stuck in this life because she actually was his reason for living.
So of course he decides to go ahead and barbecue himself.
BOOM! He literally blows himself to smithereens.

Enter Colossus;

COLOSSUS: “Nah. We need you. I’m putting you back together. You literally can’t die.”
DEADPOOL: “LEAVE ME ALONE TO SUICIDE MYSELF IN PEACE!
COLOSSUS: “No. Come to the X-Mansion with me. Join the X-Men.”
DEADPOOL: “Ugh. Bleh.”

So…yup. Deadpool is in the X-Men now. A “trainee”. Lmao.
We re-unite with Negasonic Teenage Warhead, we meet her girlfriend, Yukio, and all seems dandy.
Then there’s a call about some weird ass Mutant Death Orphanage Re-education Center thingy or whatever and this teenage boy mutant (Russell Collins/Firefist) with pyrotechnic abilities who’s wrecking up the whole place. What?
They try to save/stop him, Deadpool overdoes the “hero” schtick and then he ends up in some crazy mutant prison with the boy Russell/Firefist.
Meanwhile, Cable’s there coming up and lurking with his badass techy abilities like: “Hmmph. I’m the baddie of the movie and I’m about to do some very bad things.”

So Deadpool and Russell start to bond and whatever in prison over being throwaways and whatnot. Then guess what? Here’s Cable breaking into the prison, wrecking havoc and trying to straight up kill Russell. WHAT??? Why the heck is this old, scrawny cybernetic monster from the future trying to kill an ‘innocent’ 14-year-old?
Deadpool ain’t having it. He defends Russell and brawls Cable until they’re both tumbling head over heels on the icy mountainside of the prison.
Thanks to another ‘vision’ of Vanessa, Deadpool decides: “Well, f@*k it. Russell matters to me. I need to be in his life.” Or something.
(I mean…he was finally gonna to start a family with Vanessa.)

So yeah, the ‘SAVE RUSSELL’ campaign is underway and here comes Deadpool’s ragtag team of misfit mutants to help rescue the kid before Cable gets to him.

Enter Bedlam (manipulates energy fields), Shatterstar (superstrength), Zeitgeist (vomits acid), Vanisher (you already know what he does from the name), Rob Delaney…oh and Domino (manipulates ‘luck’).
The ‘X-Force’.

I swear I’m not even making this up.

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So yeah, another epic standoff happens with Cable while the prisoners (Russell included) are being transported. Nobody knows there’s like some actual evil growing in Russell. Kid actually wants to destroy his torture orphanage and kill the staff. Particularly the head of the orphanage who is a pedophile for all thoughts and purposes.
He forms an alliance with the freaking Juggernaut, everything goes to crap during the standoff/chase, (LOTS of) people bite the dust and Deadpool ends up cut in half.
Don’t ask.

So remember that question about why Cable would want to kill Russell so bad?
Well, he literally shows up while Deadpool is still trying to heal/ ‘grow’ himself and spills the beans. What does he say?
“Russell is evil and he grows up evil and ends up killing my wife and kid. Which is why I came back here to the past to stop/kill him first.”
OOOOOOOH! WHHAAAATTTT?????
That explains it! So there’s like freaking time paradoxes to play with now. Nice one, writers.

DEADPOOL: “Russell isn’t evil! I’m in his life. I can change him, set him on a different path before he makes his first kill (at the orphanage).”
CABLE: “You have 30 seconds. Deal.”

YUP. So…final standoff.
Deadpool, Cable, Colossus, Domino, Dopinder, Negasonic, Yukio vs. Russell + Juggernaut.
Crazy epic battle ensues.
Deadpool does something really crazy and sacrifices himself before Cable lands the death blow bullet on Russell, causing Russell to have a change of heart. Lmao. Bleh.
Deadpool “dies”.

PSYCH! He’s not dead. His franchise is here to stay and make you mess yourself up and laugh yourself to sh*# for all eternity. You’re welcome.

What a movie.
The craziest thing about this film is that the hyperbole of my description of the events is actually tame compared to the actuality.

So yeah, the performances/characters.
If I will talk about one glaring flaw this film had, it’s the secondary characters. Every single one (bar Cable and Domino) was wasted in truly abysmal fashion.
Maybe that was even the point of it, given that the film in itself was literally just a ‘Metapocalypse’? I’m not sure.
Not a single one was developed in the slightest. Yukio was literally there just to look cute in her pink wig next to Negasonic. *sigh*
Don’t get me started on the X-Force itself. No.

Ryan Reynolds though, was once again excellent as Wade Wilson/Deadpool. Still charming. Still hilarious. His effervescent fourth wall breaks never ever got old even when some jokes refused to land…
This is the role of his lifetime and at this point, there really isn’t anything else that can convince me otherwise.
His “death” scene is the best performance I’ve ever seen from him.

Josh Brolin gave a knowingly menacing and entirely believable take on Cable. His character found a way to still work without that much heft and insight given to his backstory. It was easy to overlook the reason why he’s even able to travel through time within the constraints of the universe/franchise.

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Domino. Courtesy: Joe Lederer/20th Century Fox

Zazie Beetz was an absolute delight on-screen as Domino.
She’s right there, effortlessly snatching scenes from Reynolds, T.J. Miller and Brolin. She perks up the film with her character’s ability and her physicality, applying herself to the action sequences with gusto.
A delight.
I loved her in it.

So yeah, the techincal stuff and whatnot.
Coming from the first Deadpool, it was to be expected that this one will have all, if not more, of the relentlessly impertinent gore and violence.
I did notice some more practicality in the way Deadpool was contorted and ragdolled (due to his ability). He was “broken” a number of times and surprisingly, most of those takes stayed in-shot.
The CGI was passable. Colossus was done well. It only got quite sore in the third act when The Juggernaut came into play totally.

The prison sequence, the chase and the climax battle of the film, all nicely exhilarating in their own ways; succinctly and conspicuously revealing the hand of a director who knows his way around an action scene. David Leitch is more or less renown at the point for being the one who put together the infamous staircase sequence from Atomic Blonde. It shows in the kinetic action sequences.

You probably now see why I maintain that this film is an equal to the first and quite better in certain ways.
The first one had a pretty formulaic storyline. This one’s story was a bit tighter, more compact and poignant. Vanessa’s death, while shocking and borderline “gimmicky”, was valid as it literally propelled the film. It also bothered to make arguments about morality what with the element of time-traveling and righting the past’s wrongs.
All of that between gags that WILL have you incapacitated and in stitches.

Fox played a game of poker with me. They said they were making a second Deadpool, I called their bluff and they proceeded to raise me one.
They won the game and Deadpool 2 was their hand.

Now I’m all for Deadpool 3. I hear it’s happening. BRING IT ON!

PS: The mid credits scene is one of the best I’ve ever seen in all of my life.

PPS: Don’t hit and run. Leave me a comment! Or better yet, hit me up on Twitter. Let me know what you think.

Have a great one. Peace out.

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My Most Anticipated Movies of 2018

look upinto the stars.

Yeah, yeah. Happy New Year. I’m back, baby.

You’ll never beat me harder than I’ve been beating myself up for leaving this place desolate for twelve freaking months.
Yeah, I know.
I am scum.
But I can say I actually now understand just what it means when people say “life got in the way.”
Because life did get in the way. And that is not even a joke in the slightest. 😦

So, yeah.
2017 was an amazing year for movies. As much as I would’ve loved to catalogue all of my bewildering experiences seeing said movies on here, life didn’t let me. The bitch.
(Actually, let’s just keep blaming LIFE for everything. Lord knows it’s all its fault 😢)
If you follow me on Twitter (where I happen to be very shamelessly clamorous about my love for film) you would’ve probably seen. But alas, here we are.

Lady Bird, Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri, I, Tonya, Blade Runner 2049, Get Out, War for the Planet of the Apes, Logan, Dunkirk, Ingrid Goes West, Wonder Woman, Wind River, Spider-Man: Homecoming, Thor – Ragnarok, Star Wars – The Last Jedi, Call Me By Your Name, The Disaster Artist, The Greatest Showman, Darkest Hour, The Shape of Water…

Amazing, amazing year. Amazing, amazing movies.
I was nowhere to write about them though. My sincerest apologies.

ANYWHO! It’s a new year. Which means new beginnings. Which means a new plethora of astounding cinematic work to engorge and relish.
2018 is genuinely looking like one of the more interesting ones. On occasion I’ve just been speechless staring at the upcoming release slate. Drooling and willing in futility for time to go a tinsy bit faster.

Which ones am I most excited to see though? There’s a lot of them.
But I won’t bore you with the obnoxious interminablity of regular “anticipation lists”.
I’ll just give a concise seven.

Counting down…

7. The New Mutants

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Curious. Very curious. This is Deadpool 2’s spot. Why would I replace it though, I wonder? Oh well.
I’ve really admired what Fox has been doing with whatever rights they still have on the X-Men property. Disney purchase be damned, this groove of taking the franchise to new, exciting places with movies that are all too refreshing with their tones is something I’ll always appreciate. From a side-splitting meta showcase in Deadpool (2016) to a straight up heart-rendering Western in Logan (2017).

Now they’re going horror, apparently.
If the trailer is any indication, we’re in for a psychological and intensely gripping offering featuring characters we know well from the comics.

I AM HERE FOR THAT.

The New Mutants opens April 13 (US).

UPDATE: Film has been moved to 2019. If that ain’t life pissing in my face, I don’t know what is. *sigh*

6. Ready Player One

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Spielberg, check. Dystopian near-future setting, check. Sci-Fi adventure with a scintillating premise, check.
What more, really?
If you read the book by Ernest Cline, you already know that this adaptation has all the makings of a visually dazzling, fun, nostalgia-filled outing for everyone to feast on. (Everyone, but mostly the geeks who’ll just ‘get’ it.)

Plus Spielberg. Come on.

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Ready Player One stars Tye Shediran, Olivia Cooke, Ben Mendelsohn and Mark Rylance and is slated for release March 30.

5. The Incredibles 2

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In 2004, Pixar unleashed one of their greatest movies.
Yeah, superhero movies were starting to become a thing. Mutants and web-slingers were everywhere. Those were fine and welcome, no doubt, but this was something new.

Directed by Brad Bird, The Incredibles was a deep and very human look superheroes; posing wit and charm and humor and heart and ringing as true as life itself. This movie tackled midlife crisis, marital dysfunction, child neglect etc. all while being an absolute, delightful blast.
An animated film, no less. Really one of Pixar’s greatest.

Fast-forward 11 years to 2015 and I hear that a sequel is indeed happening.

Me: SAAAY WHAAAAATTTT????!!!!

Set directly after the events of the original, the new chapter has most of the principal voice actors returning. The director himself, returning.
Heck. Even Michael freaking Giacchino is returning to do the score. And you really wonder why everything in me is finding it hard to wait for this movie?

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The Incredibles 2 opens June 15.

4. Widows

It was quite frankly passing conversation. Until…

“Umm…so yeah Steven McQueen is directing some heist movie next year. Viola Davis is in it and that Gone Girl author lady is the one writing it.”
“I’m sorry what now?”

Naturally, I rushed to ‘Wikipedia’ the heck out of it and I saw:

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TAKE. A. LOOK. AT. THAT.

Need I say more? No? Ok cool.

Widows has a release date of November 16 in the US.

3. Black Panther

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Oh my days.

“The Revolution will not be televised.”
?
Step the hell aside.
The Revolution will be LIVE.

If I actually have to tell you why I’m excited to see the first ever mainstream superhero of African descent come to live on the big screen in his OWN movie starring a full-rounded, top-tier cast of actors of African descent…then…I really don’t know.

He stole the show in Captain America: Civil War and now, Chadwick Boseman is here to headline is own story.
So…King T’Challa returns to his home to find that there are enemies within the walls conspiring to bring it down. And of course, an all too welcome conflict ensues which will affect the entire MCU at large.

Director Ryan Coogler (Fruitvale Station, Creed) said this himself:

What’s so great about Panther is he’s a superhero who, if you grab him and ask him if he’s a superhero, he’ll tell you, ‘No.’ He sees himself as a politician, as a leader in his country. It just so happens that the country is a warrior-based nation where the leaders have to be warriors, as well, so sometimes he has to go fight.

One thing is sure. This movie will take the first quarter of 2018 by storm…because anybody will tell you that it’s nearly impossible for the MCU to go wrong.
I can’t wait to see Wakanda brought to life.
I can’t wait to see what the phenomenal actors will do with their roles.

I can’t wait.

Black Panther releases February 16 (US). February 12 (UK, other markets).

2. First Man

Damian Chazelle (Whiplash, La La Land) is directing a movie about Neil Armstrong with Ryan Gosling playing the part. Full stop.

Described as:

“The riveting true story of NASA’s mission to land a man on the moon, focusing on Neil Armstrong and the years 1961–1969.”

That’s about all I know and that’s about all it needs to be on this list. Full stop.

First Man is set for release October 12.

1. Avengers: Infinity War

Duh.

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Like really, duh.

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I mean…duh.

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Seriously. Duh.

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ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?

10 years have led to this.
Marvel has been building this thing and we’re not even ready for what they’re about to unleash. ‘Nuff said.

Avengers: Infinity War will be released May 4.

So there you have it. I know there’s an uncountable number of films that could/should be in this list. I know. But these are mine. What are YOUR most anticipated? Let me know in za comments.

And again, Happy New Year.

Concerning Child Performances

FACT: Four words: Last Year/Stranger Things.
FACT: I’m a loquacious human person.
FACT: Because 1 and 2, going ahead living life as normal without a rant about great children who are doing or have done amazing stuff in cinema is impossible.

I don’t understand it. I’ve never been able to understand and I don’t even want to. (What? You ask. I’m getting to it.)

Acting is an occupation (duh)…Like, people have careers and earn their daily bread playing characters in the eerie world of make-believe. When something is your profession, you’re bound to take it seriously. As an adult; you’re doing your job, and it’s normal to wanna be or at least try to be good at it.

So it’s a funny thing children are in this same profession.
I was a child once. These are the two things I was doing at any given time:

  1. Being OBSESSED with whatever was on Cartoon Network
  2. Consuming devouring a bothering amount of processed sugar (This has not changed.)

That’s precisely what I don’t get. How the heck are these kids so professional as to commit to a role? How do they even have the intellectual capacity to comprehend being part of a production? How do they memorise and nail their lines? Is there some trick?
I haven’t figured this out. I don’t want to.

These’s another situation. One that even trumps the first one in being puzzling. It’s the situation where a child has so much talent that they turn in an exceptional/acclaimed performance.
I can’t.

The point? This is a list of child performances that have had me scratching my head in recent years. This is an opinion list. Besides being VERY out of order, I’m bound to miss one or two. You’re welcome to sound off in the comments
(*I implore you to*)

1. Anna Paquin in The Piano (1993)

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I will never, for as long as I live, forget the “HE CHOPPED IT OFF!” scene.
She even did an accent for the role.
She was nine-ish at the time of filming.

I can’t.

Of course she got the freaking Oscar.

2. Henry Thomas in E.T.: The Extra-Terrestial (1982)

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I can’t even talk too much here. Go ahead and just watch this:

THAT was his freaking audition? HOW??? *head scratch, head scratch* We’ve all seen the beloved classic and we’ve all seen what he pulled off in it and we’ve all seen how him and his alien buddy were Spielberg’s tools to reach across the screen and rip our hearts apart.
The kid did a beyond-fantastic job. I’ll leave it there.

3. Quvenzhané Wallis in Beasts of the Southern Wild (2012)

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Hushpuppy stayed with me for a long, long time after seeing Ben Zeitlin’s film. It may seem trite to say a person carried an entire movie but then there’s no way else to put it. That’s entirely the case here.
5-year old Quvenzhané Wallis CARRIED this film.
The spirit, the heft, the vulnerability.
Anyone think it’s a wonder she got herself to be the youngest Best Actress nominee in history?

4. Abigail Breslin in Little Miss Sunshine (2006)

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I hope whoever did the casting for Little Miss Sunshine got some sort of award for finding Abigail Breslin. We’d gotten a tinsy glimpse of her capabilities in M. Night Shyamalan’s Signs but it was in this movie that I got to see how talented she really was. This was a story of family. Of big dreams and broken dreams. Euphoria and dismality. It needed a heart, a soul, a centre.
And that’s where she shined.

She got an Academy Award nomination (duh)

5. Justin Henry in Kramer vs. Kramer (1979)

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Justin Henry remains the youngest person to ever be nominated for an Academy Award, and for good reason; watch Kramer vs. Kramer and see for yourself.
This kid stole the show from the likes of Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep. Any six year old than can do that deserves a place here.
At such a young age, he displayed such heart, insight and thoughfulness that immediately just made everybody connect with his character, Billy, who’s having to endure his family tearing apart.
Splendid work.

6. Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense (1999)

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Let’s go back to 1999 for a bit.
Jedis were all the rage (again).
Neo (The One), leather trenchcoats and bullet-time were all the rage too.
There’s another thing that was also all the rage.

“I see dead people.”

The Sixth Sense remains one of my all-time favorite movies. I’ll have you know that one of the reasons why is Haley Joel Osment and his haunting/tremendous turn as the heartbreakingly troubled Cole Sear.
He earned an Oscar nom.

7. Saoirse Ronan in Atonement (2007)

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Just look at that alabaster face; bursting with etherealness and eccentricity.
Joe Wright saw that, I’m sure. And he milked it for all it was worth in his Atonement. Make no mistake, it WAS worth it.
The film brimmed with a plethora of amazing performances but it was Saoirse Ronan’s little Briony that just seemed to blow me away scene after scene after scene. Delicate and subtle. Far beyond the confines of what is or should be expected of a twelve-year-old. Just…just…
Bellissimo (I don’t even know what that means)
Oscar nom, check.

8. Jacob Tremblay in Room (2015)

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If there’s a hierachy on this list, then this kid would be in one of the top spots. Probably the top spot. I distinctly remember how deeply affected I was by Room. Not just because of the gut-punching of a story it had, but by the stark realism of the portrayals.
As much as it was Brie Larson’s subtle showcase, it was Jacob Tremblay’s reveal revelation (being so good that you’re like; “Whoa, seriously? Eureka! Eureka!”)

His performance was the level of authentic that I’m almost sure Lenny Abrahamson (director) most’ve pulled some Truman Show trickery to get it out of him.

9. Elle Fanning in Super 8 (2011)

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J.J. Abrams’ film will be sorely lacking without this here girl. As usual, kids in movies are getways into our heartstrings getting pulled.
Super 8 knew precisely that and beside being an homage to the greats and their movies (Spielberg etc.), it was it’s own thing. And amongst the fine young performers showcased, Elle Fanning really stood out.
Remember the ‘Mom reel scene’ when she just let’s it all out? THAT right there is talent. You don’t teach that.

10. Hailey Steinfeld in True Grit (2010)

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Like, move over, Jeff-in-an-eye-patch. Hailey was the true star of True Grit.
She simply owned the screen as Mattie Ross, a tough 14 year old who hires dead-eye drinker Reuben Cogburn to track down and avenge her father’s death.
I was so riveted by the acting chops pulled off by Steinfeld in this debut that I remember proclaiming it would be a travesty if she didn’t get an Academy Award nomination.
She showed range and bounced off seamlessly with her veteran co-stars, a delight to watch.
The Academy didn’t create a travesty. They nominated her…of course.

11. Ellar Coltrane in Boyhood (2014)

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Richard Linklater’s 12-years-in-the-making opus, Boyhood had Ellar Coltrane literally growing up before our very eyes. And Ellar Coltrane did grow. Screen-year after screen-year. More and more nuanced.
He did awesome work being the titular object of the movie case-study.
Kudos.

12. Millie Bobby Brown, Glen Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin and Finn Wolfhard in Stranger Things (2016)

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When the premise of an entire T.V. show relies about 70% on nothing but the talent of a bunch of young performers…AND IT WORKS THE WAY THAT IT DID HERE…then you know it’s worth talking about.

Stranger Things took the summer of 2016 like a mania. Waves of nostalgia. Torrents of well-realized charaters. Showers of engaging narratives. Eleven. Eggo waffles.
We all watched binged; transfixed. And these kids were mostly the reason. They were smart, they were expressive, they were remarkably three-dimensional.
You get it. I needn’t go on.

Well that’s my list. Again, you know of any awesome child performance I may have missed? Lemme know in za comments!

Thanks for reading and Happy New Year!

Review: Swiss Army Man

Sweet lord.

It’s such a shame that I’ve been taking my anti-rant medication. This is one movie that really deserves me going on and on, all out loud like a madman.

The year is 2016 and I know for a fact that as far as movies go in general, I’ve more or less seen it all.
With my split personality, my Sméagol half normally goes like: “Yeah! Hollywood can’t fart original anymore. It’s all just cash-grabs, tentpoles, ‘blockbusters’, sequels, reboots, remakes, retellings, re-imaginings and ‘untold stories.'”

But then the other reasonable half is all like: “Hollywood encompasses independent cinema too, right? Indie movies. Oases in the congenital wastelands of the mainstream.”

You have to know one thing. I have NEVER seen a movie like Swiss Army Man. That’s perhaps the biggest compliment I can give. Because this movie deserves compliments. Swiss Army Man makes me still believe that Hollywood can be original.
That’s saying something. I love an indie movie that’s just like “FUCK it. We don’t give a rat’s ass what you think. We’re not explaining ourselves. This is our vision and we’re handing it to you. Take it or leave it.” That’s what the directors (Daniel Kwan and Daniel Scheinert, otherwise known as Daniels) have done here. And they are good for it.
Daniels. Yeah. You never heard of them either. They did mostly music videos like the viral ‘Turn Down For What’…now they’ve come to feature-length motion pictures and none of us are safe from their eccentricities.

The movie opens with Hank. With a noose around his neck. Hank is a cast away. On his island. A bored, broken mess. He can’t take it anymore. He has to off himself.
Enter Manny. Rude much? Can’t a guy suicide himself in peace?
Oh wait. He’s a corpse. And he farts. And farts. And farts.

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Within ten minutes of the film, we get a guy riding a dead guy’s body like a Kawasaki upon the sea. I’ll like to know the other movie you’ve seen this in.

Hank rides Manny to a main(-ish)land. Carries him to shelter in the caves. Turns out, Manny’s not so dead (?)…he’s come to, only he doesn’t remember a thing from his past life (if he had one.) So Hanks starts to teach him what it’s like to be human and how to pick up girls. Manny laps it all with a child-like sense of inquisitivity and wonder. Now they’re gonna find a way back home inbetween the right amount of gross-out/outregeous fart and private part jokes to send my Gran-Gran into a fit.

Oh and as movie’s name connotes…Manny the corpse is also, of course, some kind of magic multi-tool kit whose body is used by Hank as a machine gun, shaving-stick, water dispenser, shower, heavy-duty wood chopping machine, multi-use propeller/projectile thrower, fart-Zippo, boner-compass etc.
Don’t ask.

The thing about Swiss Army Man isn’t even that it had the balls to go to all the places it did (and it DID go places. Except you’re maybe Spike Jonze or Michel Gondry you WILL, at least once, go like: “Whoa!” or “What the actual FUCK am I watching?!” guaranteed) but the fact that besides everything, it managed to be profound. I’m far from saying you’ll be getting any sort of epiphany…or getting anything, period…because there were times when I was just like: “What’s this movie even about?” The profoundness stems from the movie being so unrelentingly unique and head-strong in being it’s own bizarre thing that you look past whatever emptiness you think you’ve found in it and start to just wonder exactly how the filmmakers (actors included) could be driven to such commitment to actually pull it off. Then you’ll start to appreciate it for precisely that.
Or conversely, you’re just part of a screening audience at Sundance and a little fart, boner, saliva, poop, trash-drag costume, trash wood-fort, trash (period) is a little too much for you.

Swiss Army Man is disgusting.
And that’s precisely it’s genius.

I will now talk about performances of Paul Dano and Daniel Radcliffe.
Sweet lord.
First of all, the two of them deserve awards just for being a part of this movie.

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Paul Dano has proven time and again that he will take a role and commit wholly, be he an angsty mute teenager (Little Miss Sunshine), foil twins (There Will Be Blood), a creepy kidnapper (Prisoners) or a nerdy midlife-crisis-in-my-twenties author (Ruby Sparks). So it’s no suprise here that he takes Hank and imbues him with an instant pathos and earnestness that totally carries the film. Literally. He does carry his companion corpse on the back a good lot.

And Radcliffe. The titular undisputed star of this few man show.
Daniel Radcliffe isn’t concerned anymore about whether you’ll only ever see him as the blockbusting bespectacled wizard. He’s on with his life, getting more and more roles that showcase him as more than a one-note teenage fantasy.
His talents have never been more on full display than they are in this film. The guy pulls off some of the best physical-acting I’ve ever seen. (If physical-acting is even a term.) He is ragdolled, contorted, limp. Never breaking character (I watched him like a hawk.) His face, quasi-stuck in a grimace, thrust into the dirt and what-not. The object of 100% of the movie’s absurd humor. And Radcliffe shines with his initial whimsical child-like delivery which evolves to a more serious, weary character just like Hank. Awesome stuff. Oscar nom stuff.

The other technicalities of the movie are worth me thumbs-uping too.
The well shot forest.
The visual effects, practical and otherwise used amongst other things to bring Manny’s abilities to life.
And, sweet lord, the original score.
Swiss Army Man features a lush acapella soundtrack from Andy Hull and Robert McDowell of the indie band Manchester Orchestra, filled with quirky harmonies laced with vocals from non-other but the two leads themselves which invoke and inspire every bit of emotion needed for all of the scenes.
There’s a standout sequence about halfway through the movie where Hank uses Manny’s body for all sorts of antics while they bond as pals. The uplifting track/motif in that scene is aptly called “Montage” and features lyrics just describing what’s happening onscreen.
Like so:

Now we killed a racoon/We are using your body like it’s a machine gun/We are shooting some fish/Our friendship is blossoming, let’s eat the stuff we killed/Now we’re starting a fire/I have to admit I’m enjoying the company/Now we’re falling in love/All we ever needed is a montage

I mean? Come on.

It’s the many little things like that that make Swiss Army Man so great.

Yeah, you will be grossed out.
Yeah, you’ll wonder what the heck is even going on.
Yeah, you’ll feel the movie starts to drag.

But Swiss Army Man, as original as it is discombobulating, ends on a gutpunch. And achieves it’s highest and perhaps simplest purpose: which is leaving you with a surfeit of thoughs swirling in the mind. Good or bad. About how we are human. About how we’re all in this condition.

Manny the corpse says it best:
“Maybe everyone’s a little bit ugly. Maybe we’re all just ugly dying sacks of shit and maybe all it’ll take is one person to just be OK with that and then the whole world would be dancing and singing and farting and everyone will feel a little bit less alone.”

My First Sunshine Blogger Award!

So I’m apparently living proof that good things may just tend to happen to wholly undeserving people.

Look what I got nominated for! 👇

 

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How you ask? Even I don’t have all the facts yet…I’ll just put it the best way I can. It’s not news that I really love movies. I came into this blogging community and met some truly mind-blowing movie-minded people. Keith Noakes, who nominated me, was one of ’em. If you think you know the first thing about being a cinephile, then you surely haven’t even met this guy. Just head over to his site keithlovesmovies and see for yourself.
Right. So let’s get to it.

THE RULES…

  • Post the award on your blog
  • Thank the person who nominated you
  • Answer the 11 questions they set you
  • Pick another 11 bloggers (and let them know they are nominated!)
  • Give them 11 questions

HIS QUESTIONS AND MY ANSWERS (IN BOLD)

What was your favorite movie of 2016 so far?
– Swiss Army Man. Guess what? I haven’t even seen it yet! Yes, I’m a special kind of insane. I just love me a quirky, unbelievably absurd indie comedy…so I know for a fact I’m gonna love Swiss Army Man beyond compare.

EDIT: I now have seen Swiss Army Man. It hasn’t not been usurped.

What was your least favorite movie of 2016 so far?
Suicide Squad. BvS. Gods of Egypt. The Divergent Series: Allegiant.
Norm of the North! Right, that’s the one.

What is your favorite movie of all time?
– Tough one. Really…really tough one. Eh..Star Wars – The Empire Strikes Back?

What is your least favorite movie of all time?
– Easy. The Adventures of Pluto Nash.

What is your favorite TV show?
– No, I believe you mean: “What ARE your favorite TV shows?”
Well…there’s: Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, Mr. Robot, Stranger Things, Breaking Bad, Modern Family, Silicon Valley, Veep, Louie, Scandal, Community, Arrested Development, Broad City, Workaholics, Girls, The Sopranos, Friends, New Girl, The Mindy Project, House of Cards, Person of Interest, Casual, Elementary…
You’re gonna come to wish you never asked.

What movies this year are you most looking forward to?
– Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children, Disney’s Moana, The Circle, Passengers.
And of course, Rogue One: A Star Wars Story.

Do you like watching a movie in a theater or at home?
– Oh, I live in the cineplex. That is not a joke.

What is the most movies you’ve seen in a day?
– This one time, boredom and a sudden inclination to get myself fired made me bring the first four Mission: Impossible movies to my internship. I made it through twenty minutes of M:I 1 before getting a scolding from the boss. Saw the rest of everything at home that day…so yeah, four.

How many movies have you seen this year?
– 62, I think. I actually counted. God, I have a good memory. Not.

What do you do when you’re not watching movies?
– Assaulting the fridge (seriously that poor dude is so scared of me)

Why did you start blogging?
– For forever I’ve always been scared of like actually putting stuff out and letting my weird, snarky…almost cynical-ish and humorous writing be seen. This year I just went, @#$* it and you know the rest.

Wow. That was awesome.
Now I get to pick eleven other bloggers and pass on a bunch of questions. Here we go…

MY NOMINEES

The Big Zee Theory
MovieManJackson
filmsCine
Kernel Ketchup
movierob
Prime Six
R.L. Terry
chinmaychawade
DanStanWritingBlog
Shovel
Bee Ordiway

MY QUESTIONS

  1. Star Wars or Star Trek?
  2. James Bond, Ethan Hunt or Jason Bourne?
  3. Cinema or Netflix or other? Pray tell.
  4. What’s the most overrated thing in your opinion?
  5. What’s the most underrated thing in your opinion?
  6. Favorite artist or band? (cliché, I know)
  7. Favorite actor/actress? (cliché, I know)
  8. What’s your best T.V. series right now? (Don’t be like me. Pick only one.)
  9. If you, I don’t know, maybe got like marooned on a desert island with the choice of one, only one movie to watch on loop for ever and ever what movie will it be?
  10. If you could spend a day with any celebrity who will it be?
  11. Wait, have you actually met one? I have…

 

So, yeah. There you have it.
Thanks again, Keith! This was A LOT of fun.

 

 

 

Review: Suicide Squad

DISCLAIMER: The words ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’ will be used in this post. A lot. Like, A LOT, a lot.
You’re upset. You’re try to angrily get a point across…you try to keep it PG…censoring stuff like: *@#$! and s**t. Something of the sort. Not here. It just doesn’t cut it.

DC: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!

Executives and stuff at WB or whatever: Hey, why you wailing bro?

DC: You bastards! You’re asking me?

Executives and stuff at WB or whatever: Yeah seriously…what’s the matter?

DC: *sob* Why can’t I ever seem to catch a break huh? *sob*

Executives and stuff at WB or whatever: There, there, bro.

DC: Is it so hard for you idiots to just do your FUCKING jobs and get me into the elite billion-dollar-superhero-movie league now that Christopher Nolan’s out?

Executives and stuff at WB or whatever: Really sorry about BvS, bro…

DC: Those fucking critics *sob*

Executives and stuff at WB or whatever: Right? Isn’t the bias just obvious now? The other guy is paying them. He has to be.

DC: Fix it.

Executives and stuff at WB or whatever: We can and we will. You know, there’s this property we have that could actually save everything. We’re talking total rebranding and getting into a key market and all.

DC: *sniff* What’s this property?

Executives and stuff at WB or whatever: You know how the other guy a few years ago totally like shattered grounds and expanded his universe, introducing this like totally fun new team of like antiheros doing cool shit….

DC: Yeah?

Executives and stuff at WB or whatever: Well we gat something just like that… and trust us, this is the time. Total rebranding. All dark but still fun. We gonna do it. We gonna back it up with the best marketing. We gonna kill the shit with hype. Everybody will see it.

DC: Yeah? Really? You’re gonna do it right this time?

Executives and stuff at WB or whatever: YES.

DC: *sniff sniff sniff* OK, do it then…please, please  don’t let me down again, guys

1
Just look at this. Didn’t it seem dope at the time? (Time = any period between Comic-C0n 2015 and Aug. 5th 2016)

Inexcusable. There’s just no excuse, period.

Rewind to the 2015 Comic-Con. That trailer was released. That trailer in all of its twisted, hype-inducing glory. That trailer with all of its goosebump-creating cues. That trailer.
The kind of excited conjectures that filled my mind concerning the movie as 2016 started was unparalleled.
“Besides everything, this could actually be the one that puts them out there. I can’t wait for August!”
“This could be the best DC movie ever. Just look at that trailer!”

FUCKING SHIT. (And I mean…as in…actual poop.)

This time DC pooped on me, people.

It’s not even funny anymore. They just keep pissing and pooping on everybody, man. Not. Cool.
There’s almost a pattern now.
Announce new movie….create shudder-inducing anticipation from fanboys…release trailers…run extensive marketing campaign to fluff all the nerdgasms…release movie…26% on Rotten Tomatoes…the entire world upset…everybody covered in pee and poop…repeat. (???)
I’ll personally like to know why they continue this cycle of building such voluminous levels of goodwill only to dash it with sub-par stuff.

*Bro, chill…it’s just a movie. You’re going overboard here.*
Whatever.

Suicide Squad was a fucking mess. Which shouldn’t be a surprise if I’m speaking based on what we should be coming to expect these days from DC.
Is it possible to reach into a pile of shit and pull out, say, a tinsy-bitsy diamond? Not unheard of. But Suicide Squad was a big pile cesspit of shit nontheless.
Shit that they just came and poured all over all of us.
I’ll leave it at that for now and get to the synopsis.

Superman got impaled right to the grave and everybody’s like ‘good riddance’ but then the powers that be are also like ‘Right, now that there’s no good-ish elephant to trample on us the grass in the name of saving the world…what happens when another elephant comes along? One that’s just straight up bad? What’s gonna stand in the way of them trampling us to shit?’
Enter Amanda Waller
“I wanna assemble a task force of some very bad people who I think can do some good.”
*😒*
Anywho, shorten the gist overlong, ‘I-wanna-be-deep-and-give-these-characters-some-back-story’ first act. Here’s The Joker’s fried-brain girlfriend, Wesley Snipes (I went there. I’m so sorry.), this guy with a facial tattoo right outta….who does like fire shit, this other token aussie guy that throws boomerangs, a voodoo monster witch inhabiting a supermodel eyebrows, a crocodile….etcetera. They’ll be led by this blander-than-bland token leader, we’ll put exploding chips in their brains and they’ll be our minions.

*facepalms*

Oh well, so voodoo monster witch goes rogue, wrecks havoc, creates some digusting (!) underlings, tears open a-I don’t even know-lightening portal in the sky (because this is a summer superhero movie and it’s impossible for it to be any other way) and yes, the ‘bad guys’ have to team up and be the heroes now.
Oh, and there’s a few minutes of The Joker sprinkled here and there. Never mind what all that marketing said. Marketing be damned.

*head hurting*

Instead of continuing this rant that seems to want to go on forever, lemme just highlight all the reasons I HATED Suicide Squad in a few rhetoric questions because I’m not gonna bother being all Roger Ebert or whatever…being all tame, using big words, seeing metaphors and talking deep professional critical shit.

  1. How the fuck are a group of whacky misfits with no abilities except for say fire devil poop face supposed to be the best equipped team for a hula-hooping voodoo monster witch that’s tearing up the place? #Stupid writing
  2. Oh so DC’s doing alien voodoo monster witches now? All metaphysical (please don’t stab my heart) and shit?
  3. Why THE FUCK was Cara Delevingne even making all those FUCKING twitchy movements like she was hula-hooping? #Fucking stupid villian/character
  4. Why the fuck were some characters EVEN in this movie? *cough* katana chick *cough* Rick Flag *cough* #Botched, underdeveloped fucking nonsense
  5. The Joker who heaven knows was so HEAVILY promoted is barely even in the movie. Just shoe-horned in so that fanboys can have the nerdgasm they paid for. HOW THE FUCKING DARE THEY THINK they can get away with false advertising?
  6.  How the fuck was the fucking Waller woman not dead at the end of the movie? I don’t care about the one-liner. She had a fucking voodoo monster alien witch probe in her head!

This is just a few. It can go on. And I’m sad.
I know, in my tender, lonely heart, that I wanted Suicide Squad to be awesome. The fact that the people behind the DC movies seem to think that they can put such a choppy, bare-bones ‘manuscript’ together and pass it off as the crème de la crème is what makes me feel like they are getting pretty desperate in comparison with their counterparts.
AND THAT MAKES ME SAD!
“Choppy” is a key word. Saying the movie was incoherent and all over the place is an understatement. The plot was thin and inorganic. EVERY FUCKING THING felt forced and act after act it dragged….until the finale by which time the movie had become so consumed with being stupid that it couldn’t be rescued. The characters… good lord, the characters…*no words*
I’ll leave it there with the negatives.

Now the positives. Remember that tinsy-bitsy diamond in the shit cesspool I metioned earlier? This is it. 👇
If there can ever be a reason to see this movie, it’ll be Margot Robbie.
Her performance is something to behold…in all of it’s sexy, insane glory. She was perfectly cast. And she weighed in all of her talent to create a character that just seemed to leap right out of the source material.
See it for Will Smith too. Because he’s Will Smith. Because he got all the one-liners and because his character was the only one they bothered trying to develop.
See it for the fun action sequences and the few jokes that managed to land. If you bought a ticket for any summer movie…you know you paid for the cheesy explosions and one-liners.
And see it because we’re all are still rooting for DC to come through.

Suicide Squad……how you hurt me.

Marvel: 😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒
I’m not paying any critics. I just make good movies. It really is that easy. Morons. 

 

Anger Management 

DISCLAIMER: This is a waste of your time. Seriously, get outta here. Close this and move on with your day. As in, I swear. Even I don’t know how it got to this. I’m resorting to a personal frustration rant-post.

FACT: You’re better off doing literally anything else.

There are times that the anti-creativity monster will just show up out of nowhere and massacre your muse. Instead of a nice, feature-rich blog, you’re now stuck with ideas that only sound cool in your head and an ever growing mausoleum of drafts that just aren’t good enough.

You just KNOW you’ve got something to write but it’s all buried deep under the fact that you’re a procrastinating scaredy cat. And that your creativity has been destroyed. Whether you’re all deep and sensible with cool, smart write-ups or you’re just this nerd with a bothering habit of venting off about everything, The Block will show up. It’s something that really frustrates me.

Get it right. This… for all thoughts and purposes is a frustration rant-post (already established)…The level of conceit here is unprecedented and staggering.

I’m physically upset. My sister went all diet-freak out of the blue, demanded that “this house better start eating healthy”, then single-handedly took it upon herself to “rid the place of all this junk.” Now I’m here wondering how I’ve gone so long without Pringles.

I’m physically upset. I went to see The Conjuring 2. Then this one scene came on where the lady was having a vision and then a demon freaking CAME OUT OF A PAINTING…so I ran out of the theater. This girl I was initially sitting next to who supposedly was my scream/gasp/cringe/jump partner gave me this scrunched-up-nose/stink eye combo like: “What GUY on this Earth bails from a movie because he was too terrified?!!!” I KNOW she looked at me like that. It was dark and I couldn’t see her face but I just know. There’s no excuse for me.

I’m physically upset. I got home and decided I must give myself a genuine scare. To make up. To compensate. So I tuned in for Friday Fright but what was on was The Blair Witch Project.

I’m physically upset. I changed the channel and I found something I did want to watch. Even if it was for the eleventh or so time. It was a revered masterpiece from Studio Ghibli. Then my sister came, wrestled the remote from me and tuned in to E!

I would’ve wrestled the remote back but that would’ve incited a prank war and I honestly couldn’t spend the next day or two incapacitated because I somehow took an entire bottle of laxative. So I sat up and went; “What the?!” and she was like; “Ain’t nobody watching no Spirited My-Ass anime crap with you…”

I’m physically upset that she said those words.
I went to my station and started to type this post with flared nostrils.

My sister came in and was like: “What is going on with you?” so, I got right in her face screaming; “I’m physically upset! The world is f**ked up!!! Everything’s just F**KED!!!” (NB: I wasn’t referring to any of my personal frustrations.)

So she told me to get out of her face and hit something already if it’ll get me to feel better…so I did.

I’m physically upset. I sprained my elbow swinging at pillows.

I’m physically upset I was actually vain enough to go went through with posting this.

Just shoot me