Concerning Child Performances

FACT: Four words: Last Year/Stranger Things.
FACT: I’m a loquacious human person.
FACT: Because 1 and 2, going ahead living life as normal without a rant about great children who are doing or have done amazing stuff in cinema is impossible.

I don’t understand it. I’ve never been able to understand and I don’t even want to. (What? You ask. I’m getting to it.)

Acting is an occupation (duh)…Like, people have careers and earn their daily bread playing characters in the eerie world of make-believe. When something is your profession, you’re bound to take it seriously. As an adult; you’re doing your job, and it’s normal to wanna be or at least try to be good at it.

So it’s a funny thing children are in this same profession.
I was a child once. These are the two things I was doing at any given time:

  1. Being OBSESSED with whatever was on Cartoon Network
  2. Consuming devouring a bothering amount of processed sugar (This has not changed.)

That’s precisely what I don’t get. How the heck are these kids so professional as to commit to a role? How do they even have the intellectual capacity to comprehend being part of a production? How do they memorise and nail their lines? Is there some trick?
I haven’t figured this out. I don’t want to.

These’s another situation. One that even trumps the first one in being puzzling. It’s the situation where a child has so much talent that they turn in an exceptional/acclaimed performance.
I can’t.

The point? This is a list of child performances that have had me scratching my head in recent years. This is an opinion list. Besides being VERY out of order, I’m bound to miss one or two. You’re welcome to sound off in the comments
(*I implore you to*)

1. Anna Paquin in The Piano (1993)

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I will never, for as long as I live, forget the “HE CHOPPED IT OFF!” scene.
She even did an accent for the role.
She was nine-ish at the time of filming.

I can’t.

Of course she got the freaking Oscar.

2. Henry Thomas in E.T.: The Extra-Terrestial (1982)

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I can’t even talk too much here. Go ahead and just watch this:

THAT was his freaking audition? HOW??? *head scratch, head scratch* We’ve all seen the beloved classic and we’ve all seen what he pulled off in it and we’ve all seen how him and his alien buddy were Spielberg’s tools to reach across the screen and rip our hearts apart.
The kid did a beyond-fantastic job. I’ll leave it there.

3. Quvenzhané Wallis in Beasts of the Southern Wild (2012)

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Hushpuppy stayed with me for a long, long time after seeing Ben Zeitlin’s film. It may seem trite to say a person carried an entire movie but then there’s no way else to put it. That’s entirely the case here.
5-year old Quvenzhané Wallis CARRIED this film.
The spirit, the heft, the vulnerability.
Anyone think it’s a wonder she got herself to be the youngest Best Actress nominee in history?

4. Abigail Breslin in Little Miss Sunshine (2006)

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I hope whoever did the casting for Little Miss Sunshine got some sort of award for finding Abigail Breslin. We’d gotten a tinsy glimpse of her capabilities in M. Night Shyamalan’s Signs but it was in this movie that I got to see how talented she really was. This was a story of family. Of big dreams and broken dreams. Euphoria and dismality. It needed a heart, a soul, a centre.
And that’s where she shined.

She got an Academy Award nomination (duh)

5. Justin Henry in Kramer vs. Kramer (1979)

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Justin Henry remains the youngest person to ever be nominated for an Academy Award, and for good reason; watch Kramer vs. Kramer and see for yourself.
This kid stole the show from the likes of Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep. Any six year old than can do that deserves a place here.
At such a young age, he displayed such heart, insight and thoughfulness that immediately just made everybody connect with his character, Billy, who’s having to endure his family tearing apart.
Splendid work.

6. Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense (1999)

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Let’s go back to 1999 for a bit.
Jedis were all the rage (again).
Neo (The One), leather trenchcoats and bullet-time were all the rage too.
There’s another thing that was also all the rage.

“I see dead people.”

The Sixth Sense remains one of my all-time favorite movies. I’ll have you know that one of the reasons why is Haley Joel Osment and his haunting/tremendous turn as the heartbreakingly troubled Cole Sear.
He earned an Oscar nom.

7. Saoirse Ronan in Atonement (2007)

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Just look at that alabaster face; bursting with etherealness and eccentricity.
Joe Wright saw that, I’m sure. And he milked it for all it was worth in his Atonement. Make no mistake, it WAS worth it.
The film brimmed with a plethora of amazing performances but it was Saoirse Ronan’s little Briony that just seemed to blow me away scene after scene after scene. Delicate and subtle. Far beyond the confines of what is or should be expected of a twelve-year-old. Just…just…
Bellissimo (I don’t even know what that means)
Oscar nom, check.

8. Jacob Tremblay in Room (2015)

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If there’s a hierachy on this list, then this kid would be in one of the top spots. Probably the top spot. I distinctly remember how deeply affected I was by Room. Not just because of the gut-punching of a story it had, but by the stark realism of the portrayals.
As much as it was Brie Larson’s subtle showcase, it was Jacob Tremblay’s reveal revelation (being so good that you’re like; “Whoa, seriously? Eureka! Eureka!”)

His performance was the level of authentic that I’m almost sure Lenny Abrahamson (director) most’ve pulled some Truman Show trickery to get it out of him.

9. Elle Fanning in Super 8 (2011)

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J.J. Abrams’ film will be sorely lacking without this here girl. As usual, kids in movies are getways into our heartstrings getting pulled.
Super 8 knew precisely that and beside being an homage to the greats and their movies (Spielberg etc.), it was it’s own thing. And amongst the fine young performers showcased, Elle Fanning really stood out.
Remember the ‘Mom reel scene’ when she just let’s it all out? THAT right there is talent. You don’t teach that.

10. Hailey Steinfeld in True Grit (2010)

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Like, move over, Jeff-in-an-eye-patch. Hailey was the true star of True Grit.
She simply owned the screen as Mattie Ross, a tough 14 year old who hires dead-eye drinker Reuben Cogburn to track down and avenge her father’s death.
I was so riveted by the acting chops pulled off by Steinfeld in this debut that I remember proclaiming it would be a travesty if she didn’t get an Academy Award nomination.
She showed range and bounced off seamlessly with her veteran co-stars, a delight to watch.
The Academy didn’t create a travesty. They nominated her…of course.

11. Ellar Coltrane in Boyhood (2014)

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Richard Linklater’s 12-years-in-the-making opus, Boyhood had Ellar Coltrane literally growing up before our very eyes. And Ellar Coltrane did grow. Screen-year after screen-year. More and more nuanced.
He did awesome work being the titular object of the movie case-study.
Kudos.

12. Millie Bobby Brown, Glen Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin and Finn Wolfhard in Stranger Things (2016)

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When the premise of an entire T.V. show relies about 70% on nothing but the talent of a bunch of young performers…AND IT WORKS THE WAY THAT IT DID HERE…then you know it’s worth talking about.

Stranger Things took the summer of 2016 like a mania. Waves of nostalgia. Torrents of well-realized charaters. Showers of engaging narratives. Eleven. Eggo waffles.
We all watched binged; transfixed. And these kids were mostly the reason. They were smart, they were expressive, they were remarkably three-dimensional.
You get it. I needn’t go on.

Well that’s my list. Again, you know of any awesome child performance I may have missed? Lemme know in za comments!

Thanks for reading and Happy New Year!

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Review: Swiss Army Man

Sweet lord.

It’s such a shame that I’ve been taking my anti-rant medication. This is one movie that really deserves me going on and on, all out loud like a madman.

The year is 2016 and I know for a fact that as far as movies go in general, I’ve more or less seen it all.
With my split personality, my Sméagol half normally goes like: “Yeah! Hollywood can’t fart original anymore. It’s all just cash-grabs, tentpoles, ‘blockbusters’, sequels, reboots, remakes, retellings, re-imaginings and ‘untold stories.'”

But then the other reasonable half is all like: “Hollywood encompasses independent cinema too, right? Indie movies. Oases in the congenital wastelands of the mainstream.”

You have to know one thing. I have NEVER seen a movie like Swiss Army Man. That’s perhaps the biggest compliment I can give. Because this movie deserves compliments. Swiss Army Man makes me still believe that Hollywood can be original.
That’s saying something. I love an indie movie that’s just like “FUCK it. We don’t give a rat’s ass what you think. We’re not explaining ourselves. This is our vision and we’re handing it to you. Take it or leave it.” That’s what the directors (Daniel Kwan and Daniel Scheinert, otherwise known as Daniels) have done here. And they are good for it.
Daniels. Yeah. You never heard of them either. They did mostly music videos like the viral ‘Turn Down For What’…now they’ve come to feature-length motion pictures and none of us are safe from their eccentricities.

The movie opens with Hank. With a noose around his neck. Hank is a cast away. On his island. A bored, broken mess. He can’t take it anymore. He has to off himself.
Enter Manny. Rude much? Can’t a guy suicide himself in peace?
Oh wait. He’s a corpse. And he farts. And farts. And farts.

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Within ten minutes of the film, we get a guy riding a dead guy’s body like a Kawasaki upon the sea. I’ll like to know the other movie you’ve seen this in.

Hank rides Manny to a main(-ish)land. Carries him to shelter in the caves. Turns out, Manny’s not so dead (?)…he’s come to, only he doesn’t remember a thing from his past life (if he had one.) So Hanks starts to teach him what it’s like to be human and how to pick up girls. Manny laps it all with a child-like sense of inquisitivity and wonder. Now they’re gonna find a way back home inbetween the right amount of gross-out/outregeous fart and private part jokes to send my Gran-Gran into a fit.

Oh and as movie’s name connotes…Manny the corpse is also, of course, some kind of magic multi-tool kit whose body is used by Hank as a machine gun, shaving-stick, water dispenser, shower, heavy-duty wood chopping machine, multi-use propeller/projectile thrower, fart-Zippo, boner-compass etc.
Don’t ask.

The thing about Swiss Army Man isn’t even that it had the balls to go to all the places it did (and it DID go places. Except you’re maybe Spike Jonze or Michel Gondry you WILL, at least once, go like: “Whoa!” or “What the actual FUCK am I watching?!” guaranteed) but the fact that besides everything, it managed to be profound. I’m far from saying you’ll be getting any sort of epiphany…or getting anything, period…because there were times when I was just like: “What’s this movie even about?” The profoundness stems from the movie being so unrelentingly unique and head-strong in being it’s own bizarre thing that you look past whatever emptiness you think you’ve found in it and start to just wonder exactly how the filmmakers (actors included) could be driven to such commitment to actually pull it off. Then you’ll start to appreciate it for precisely that.
Or conversely, you’re just part of a screening audience at Sundance and a little fart, boner, saliva, poop, trash-drag costume, trash wood-fort, trash (period) is a little too much for you.

Swiss Army Man is disgusting.
And that’s precisely it’s genius.

I will now talk about performances of Paul Dano and Daniel Radcliffe.
Sweet lord.
First of all, the two of them deserve awards just for being a part of this movie.

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Paul Dano has proven time and again that he will take a role and commit wholly, be he an angsty mute teenager (Little Miss Sunshine), foil twins (There Will Be Blood), a creepy kidnapper (Prisoners) or a nerdy midlife-crisis-in-my-twenties author (Ruby Sparks). So it’s no suprise here that he takes Hank and imbues him with an instant pathos and earnestness that totally carries the film. Literally. He does carry his companion corpse on the back a good lot.

And Radcliffe. The titular undisputed star of this few man show.
Daniel Radcliffe isn’t concerned anymore about whether you’ll only ever see him as the blockbusting bespectacled wizard. He’s on with his life, getting more and more roles that showcase him as more than a one-note teenage fantasy.
His talents have never been more on full display than they are in this film. The guy pulls off some of the best physical-acting I’ve ever seen. (If physical-acting is even a term.) He is ragdolled, contorted, limp. Never breaking character (I watched him like a hawk.) His face, quasi-stuck in a grimace, thrust into the dirt and what-not. The object of 100% of the movie’s absurd humor. And Radcliffe shines with his initial whimsical child-like delivery which evolves to a more serious, weary character just like Hank. Awesome stuff. Oscar nom stuff.

The other technicalities of the movie are worth me thumbs-uping too.
The well shot forest.
The visual effects, practical and otherwise used amongst other things to bring Manny’s abilities to life.
And, sweet lord, the original score.
Swiss Army Man features a lush acapella soundtrack from Andy Hull and Robert McDowell of the indie band Manchester Orchestra, filled with quirky harmonies laced with vocals from non-other but the two leads themselves which invoke and inspire every bit of emotion needed for all of the scenes.
There’s a standout sequence about halfway through the movie where Hank uses Manny’s body for all sorts of antics while they bond as pals. The uplifting track/motif in that scene is aptly called “Montage” and features lyrics just describing what’s happening onscreen.
Like so:

Now we killed a racoon/We are using your body like it’s a machine gun/We are shooting some fish/Our friendship is blossoming, let’s eat the stuff we killed/Now we’re starting a fire/I have to admit I’m enjoying the company/Now we’re falling in love/All we ever needed is a montage

I mean? Come on.

It’s the many little things like that that make Swiss Army Man so great.

Yeah, you will be grossed out.
Yeah, you’ll wonder what the heck is even going on.
Yeah, you’ll feel the movie starts to drag.

But Swiss Army Man, as original as it is discombobulating, ends on a gutpunch. And achieves it’s highest and perhaps simplest purpose: which is leaving you with a surfeit of thoughs swirling in the mind. Good or bad. About how we are human. About how we’re all in this condition.

Manny the corpse says it best:
“Maybe everyone’s a little bit ugly. Maybe we’re all just ugly dying sacks of shit and maybe all it’ll take is one person to just be OK with that and then the whole world would be dancing and singing and farting and everyone will feel a little bit less alone.”

My First Sunshine Blogger Award!

So I’m apparently living proof that good things may just tend to happen to wholly undeserving people.

Look what I got nominated for! 👇

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How you ask? Even I don’t have all the facts yet…I’ll just put it the best way I can. It’s not news that I really love movies. I came into this blogging community and met some truly mind-blowing movie-minded people. Keith Noakes, who nominated me, was one of ’em. If you think you know the first thing about being a cinephile, then you surely haven’t even met this guy. Just head over to his site keithlovesmovies and see for yourself.
Right. So let’s get to it.

THE RULES…

  • Post the award on your blog
  • Thank the person who nominated you
  • Answer the 11 questions they set you
  • Pick another 11 bloggers (and let them know they are nominated!)
  • Give them 11 questions

HIS QUESTIONS AND MY ANSWERS (IN BOLD)

What was your favorite movie of 2016 so far?
– Swiss Army Man. Guess what? I haven’t even seen it yet! Yes, I’m a special kind of insane. I just love me a quirky, unbelievably absurd indie comedy…so I know for a fact I’m gonna love Swiss Army Man beyond compare.

EDIT: I now have seen Swiss Army Man. It hasn’t not been usurped.

What was your least favorite movie of 2016 so far?
Suicide Squad. BvS. Gods of Egypt. The Divergent Series: Allegiant.
Norm of the North! Right, that’s the one.

What is your favorite movie of all time?
– Tough one. Really…really tough one. Eh..Star Wars – The Empire Strikes Back?

What is your least favorite movie of all time?
– Easy. The Adventures of Pluto Nash.

What is your favorite TV show?
– No, I believe you mean: “What ARE your favorite TV shows?”
Well…there’s: Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, Mr. Robot, Stranger Things, Breaking Bad, Modern Family, Silicon Valley, Veep, Louie, Scandal, Community, Arrested Development, Broad City, Workaholics, Girls, The Sopranos, Friends, New Girl, The Mindy Project, House of Cards, Person of Interest, Casual, Elementary…
You’re gonna come to wish you never asked.

What movies this year are you most looking forward to?
– Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children, Disney’s Moana, The Circle, Passengers.
And of course, Rogue One: A Star Wars Story.

Do you like watching a movie in a theater or at home?
– Oh, I live in the cineplex. That is not a joke.

What is the most movies you’ve seen in a day?
– This one time, boredom and a sudden inclination to get myself fired made me bring the first four Mission: Impossible movies to my internship. I made it through twenty minutes of M:I 1 before getting a scolding from the boss. Saw the rest of everything at home that day…so yeah, four.

How many movies have you seen this year?
– 62, I think. I actually counted. God, I have a good memory. Not.

What do you do when you’re not watching movies?
– Assaulting the fridge (seriously that poor dude is so scared of me)

Why did you start blogging?
– For forever I’ve always been scared of like actually putting stuff out and letting my weird, snarky…almost cynical-ish and humorous writing be seen. This year I just went, @#$* it and you know the rest.

Wow. That was awesome.
Now I get to pick eleven other bloggers and pass on a bunch of questions. Here we go…

MY NOMINEES

The Big Zee Theory
MovieManJackson
filmsCine
Kernel Ketchup
movierob
Prime Six
R.L. Terry
chinmaychawade
DanStanWritingBlog
Shovel
Bee Ordiway

MY QUESTIONS

  1. Star Wars or Star Trek?
  2. James Bond, Ethan Hunt or Jason Bourne?
  3. Cinema or Netflix or other? Pray tell.
  4. What’s the most overrated thing in your opinion?
  5. What’s the most underrated thing in your opinion?
  6. Favorite artist or band? (cliché, I know)
  7. Favorite actor/actress? (cliché, I know)
  8. What’s your best T.V. series right now? (Don’t be like me. Pick only one.)
  9. If you, I don’t know, maybe got like marooned on a desert island with the choice of one, only one movie to watch on loop for ever and ever what movie will it be?
  10. If you could spend a day with any celebrity who will it be?
  11. Wait, have you actually met one? I have…

 

So, yeah. There you have it.
Thanks again, Keith! This was A LOT of fun.

 

 

 

Review: Suicide Squad

DISCLAIMER: The words ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’ will be used in this post. A lot. Like, A LOT, a lot.
You’re upset. You’re try to angrily get a point across…you try to keep it PG…censoring stuff like: *@#$! and s**t. Something of the sort. Not here. It just doesn’t cut it.

DC: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!

Executives and stuff at WB or whatever: Hey, why you wailing bro?

DC: You bastards! You’re asking me?

Executives and stuff at WB or whatever: Yeah seriously…what’s the matter?

DC: *sob* Why can’t I ever seem to catch a break huh? *sob*

Executives and stuff at WB or whatever: There, there, bro.

DC: Is it so hard for you idiots to just do your FUCKING jobs and get me into the elite billion-dollar-superhero-movie league now that Christopher Nolan’s out?

Executives and stuff at WB or whatever: Really sorry about BvS, bro…

DC: Those fucking critics *sob*

Executives and stuff at WB or whatever: Right? Isn’t the bias just obvious now? The other guy is paying them. He has to be.

DC: Fix it.

Executives and stuff at WB or whatever: We can and we will. You know, there’s this property we have that could actually save everything. We’re talking total rebranding and getting into a key market and all.

DC: *sniff* What’s this property?

Executives and stuff at WB or whatever: You know how the other guy a few years ago totally like shattered grounds and expanded his universe, introducing this like totally fun new team of like antiheros doing cool shit….

DC: Yeah?

Executives and stuff at WB or whatever: Well we gat something just like that… and trust us, this is the time. Total rebranding. All dark but still fun. We gonna do it. We gonna back it up with the best marketing. We gonna kill the shit with hype. Everybody will see it.

DC: Yeah? Really? You’re gonna do it right this time?

Executives and stuff at WB or whatever: YES.

DC: *sniff sniff sniff* OK, do it then…please, please  don’t let me down again, guys

1
Just look at this. Didn’t it seem dope at the time? (Time = any period between Comic-C0n 2015 and Aug. 5th 2016)

Inexcusable. There’s just no excuse, period.

Rewind to the 2015 Comic-Con. That trailer was released. That trailer in all of its twisted, hype-inducing glory. That trailer with all of its goosebump-creating cues. That trailer.
The kind of excited conjectures that filled my mind concerning the movie as 2016 started was unparalleled.
“Besides everything, this could actually be the one that puts them out there. I can’t wait for August!”
“This could be the best DC movie ever. Just look at that trailer!”

FUCKING SHIT. (And I mean…as in…actual poop.)

This time DC pooped on me, people.

It’s not even funny anymore. They just keep pissing and pooping on everybody, man. Not. Cool.
There’s almost a pattern now.
Announce new movie….create shudder-inducing anticipation from fanboys…release trailers…run extensive marketing campaign to fluff all the nerdgasms…release movie…26% on Rotten Tomatoes…the entire world upset…everybody covered in pee and poop…repeat. (???)
I’ll personally like to know why they continue this cycle of building such voluminous levels of goodwill only to dash it with sub-par stuff.

*Bro, chill…it’s just a movie. You’re going overboard here.*
Whatever.

Suicide Squad was a fucking mess. Which shouldn’t be a surprise if I’m speaking based on what we should be coming to expect these days from DC.
Is it possible to reach into a pile of shit and pull out, say, a tinsy-bitsy diamond? Not unheard of. But Suicide Squad was a big pile cesspit of shit nontheless.
Shit that they just came and poured all over all of us.
I’ll leave it at that for now and get to the synopsis.

Superman got impaled right to the grave and everybody’s like ‘good riddance’ but then the powers that be are also like ‘Right, now that there’s no good-ish elephant to trample on us the grass in the name of saving the world…what happens when another elephant comes along? One that’s just straight up bad? What’s gonna stand in the way of them trampling us to shit?’
Enter Amanda Waller
“I wanna assemble a task force of some very bad people who I think can do some good.”
*😒*
Anywho, shorten the gist overlong, ‘I-wanna-be-deep-and-give-these-characters-some-back-story’ first act. Here’s The Joker’s fried-brain girlfriend, Wesley Snipes (I went there. I’m so sorry.), this guy with a facial tattoo right outta….who does like fire shit, this other token aussie guy that throws boomerangs, a voodoo monster witch inhabiting a supermodel eyebrows, a crocodile….etcetera. They’ll be led by this blander-than-bland token leader, we’ll put exploding chips in their brains and they’ll be our minions.

*facepalms*

Oh well, so voodoo monster witch goes rogue, wrecks havoc, creates some digusting (!) underlings, tears open a-I don’t even know-lightening portal in the sky (because this is a summer superhero movie and it’s impossible for it to be any other way) and yes, the ‘bad guys’ have to team up and be the heroes now.
Oh, and there’s a few minutes of The Joker sprinkled here and there. Never mind what all that marketing said. Marketing be damned.

*head hurting*

Instead of continuing this rant that seems to want to go on forever, lemme just highlight all the reasons I HATED Suicide Squad in a few rhetoric questions because I’m not gonna bother being all Roger Ebert or whatever…being all tame, using big words, seeing metaphors and talking deep professional critical shit.

  1. How the fuck are a group of whacky misfits with no abilities except for say fire devil poop face supposed to be the best equipped team for a hula-hooping voodoo monster witch that’s tearing up the place? #Stupid writing
  2. Oh so DC’s doing alien voodoo monster witches now? All metaphysical (please don’t stab my heart) and shit?
  3. Why THE FUCK was Cara Delevingne even making all those FUCKING twitchy movements like she was hula-hooping? #Fucking stupid villian/character
  4. Why the fuck were some characters EVEN in this movie? *cough* katana chick *cough* Rick Flag *cough* #Botched, underdeveloped fucking nonsense
  5. The Joker who heaven knows was so HEAVILY promoted is barely even in the movie. Just shoe-horned in so that fanboys can have the nerdgasm they paid for. HOW THE FUCKING DARE THEY THINK they can get away with false advertising?
  6.  How the fuck was the fucking Waller woman not dead at the end of the movie? I don’t care about the one-liner. She had a fucking voodoo monster alien witch probe in her head!

This is just a few. It can go on. And I’m sad.
I know, in my tender, lonely heart, that I wanted Suicide Squad to be awesome. The fact that the people behind the DC movies seem to think that they can put such a choppy, bare-bones ‘manuscript’ together and pass it off as the crème de la crème is what makes me feel like they are getting pretty desperate in comparison with their counterparts.
AND THAT MAKES ME SAD!
“Choppy” is a key word. Saying the movie was incoherent and all over the place is an understatement. The plot was thin and inorganic. EVERY FUCKING THING felt forced and act after act it dragged….until the finale by which time the movie had become so consumed with being stupid that it couldn’t be rescued. The characters… good lord, the characters…*no words*
I’ll leave it there with the negatives.

Now the positives. Remember that tinsy-bitsy diamond in the shit cesspool I metioned earlier? This is it. 👇
If there can ever be a reason to see this movie, it’ll be Margot Robbie.
Her performance is something to behold…in all of it’s sexy, insane glory. She was perfectly cast. And she weighed in all of her talent to create a character that just seemed to leap right out of the source material.
See it for Will Smith too. Because he’s Will Smith. Because he got all the one-liners and because his character was the only one they bothered trying to develop.
See it for the fun action sequences and the few jokes that managed to land. If you bought a ticket for any summer movie…you know you paid for the cheesy explosions and one-liners.
And see it because we’re all are still rooting for DC to come through.

Suicide Squad……how you hurt me.

Marvel: 😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒
I’m not paying any critics. I just make good movies. It really is that easy. Morons. 

 

Anger Management 

DISCLAIMER: This is a waste of your time. Seriously, get outta here. Close this and move on with your day. As in, I swear. Even I don’t know how it got to this. I’m resorting to a personal frustration rant-post.

FACT: You’re better off doing literally anything else.

There are times that the anti-creativity monster will just show up out of nowhere and massacre your muse. Instead of a nice, feature-rich blog, you’re now stuck with ideas that only sound cool in your head and an ever growing mausoleum of drafts that just aren’t good enough.

You just KNOW you’ve got something to write but it’s all buried deep under the fact that you’re a procrastinating scaredy cat. And that your creativity has been destroyed. Whether you’re all deep and sensible with cool, smart write-ups or you’re just this nerd with a bothering habit of venting off about everything, The Block will show up. It’s something that really frustrates me.

Get it right. This… for all thoughts and purposes is a frustration rant-post (already established)…The level of conceit here is unprecedented and staggering.

I’m physically upset. My sister went all diet-freak out of the blue, demanded that “this house better start eating healthy”, then single-handedly took it upon herself to “rid the place of all this junk.” Now I’m here wondering how I’ve gone so long without Pringles.

I’m physically upset. I went to see The Conjuring 2. Then this one scene came on where the lady was having a vision and then a demon freaking CAME OUT OF A PAINTING…so I ran out of the theater. This girl I was initially sitting next to who supposedly was my scream/gasp/cringe/jump partner gave me this scrunched-up-nose/stink eye combo like: “What GUY on this Earth bails from a movie because he was too terrified?!!!” I KNOW she looked at me like that. It was dark and I couldn’t see her face but I just know. There’s no excuse for me.

I’m physically upset. I got home and decided I must give myself a genuine scare. To make up. To compensate. So I tuned in for Friday Fright but what was on was The Blair Witch Project.

I’m physically upset. I changed the channel and I found something I did want to watch. Even if it was for the eleventh or so time. It was a revered masterpiece from Studio Ghibli. Then my sister came, wrestled the remote from me and tuned in to E!

I would’ve wrestled the remote back but that would’ve incited a prank war and I honestly couldn’t spend the next day or two incapacitated because I somehow took an entire bottle of laxative. So I sat up and went; “What the?!” and she was like; “Ain’t nobody watching no Spirited My-Ass anime crap with you…”

I’m physically upset that she said those words.
I went to my station and started to type this post with flared nostrils.

My sister came in and was like: “What is going on with you?” so, I got right in her face screaming; “I’m physically upset! The world is f**ked up!!! Everything’s just F**KED!!!” (NB: I wasn’t referring to any of my personal frustrations.)

So she told me to get out of her face and hit something already if it’ll get me to feel better…so I did.

I’m physically upset. I sprained my elbow swinging at pillows.

I’m physically upset I was actually vain enough to go went through with posting this.

Just shoot me

Review: Captain America – Civil War

civil wall.jpg

I’ll start this straight off and point out that anyone that still disputes that Disney’s on a mega-roll these days is imbecilic. (Seriously, go check the highest grossing movies of the year right this moment. At least three at the top are from Disney. And besides that, they own everything. From Star Wars to the MCU to your cute Wreck-It-Ralph underwear…)

I’ll also start straight off and state the obvious that the last time I wrote anything on here was literally almost two months ago.

(“Yeah…seriously tho, wad up wiv dat?! This ain’t gun be one a-those lame-ass one-post-per-month cripple-blogs right?”

“Of course not. I got caught up. Won’t happen again I promise.”

“Ah, shadap already! Anyone dat knows you knows you’d sooner die than follow through on a promise!”

“……..”

“Carry on with your review whatever this is supposed to be.”)

Ok, so there’s good superhero movies. There’s freaking awesome, incomprehensibly mad superhero movies. Then there’s maybe like The Dark Knight or something.

Captain America – Civil War was….was….

Was………

OK. I need help here. I can’t. I just can’t.

I’ve once stated that nothing ever suprises me. But then I’m going; “Whoa, hol’ up, hol’ up, hol’ up…” after a movie, so you should get what it means. Also, you should believe me when I tell you, there are rarely ever movies that are so good that I don’t even know how to start writing about them.

I’ve droned on about the impending superhero movie fatigue. Ranted about how the MCU was starting it’s decline. In hindsight, I should think that was myopic of me. Because one thing is true; if Marvel continues to churn out movies the likes of Captain America – Civil War…then they will be here forever. This is a fact. It’s simple give and take. Give us incredibly entertaining stuff like this and nobody’s going anywhere. Nobody’s getting tired. It’ll be taken for as long as it can be given to us.

Wow. I saw the movie more than three weeks ago and as much as I was on a fan-high and wanted to just explode my thoughts everywhere…I couldn’t because I almost didn’t know where to start (I regret that because now, this write-up seems obsolete). I type this still not knowing, so I’ll just blurt the ubiquitous question:

HOW. THE. HECK. DID THEY MANAGE TO PULL OFF A MOVIE WITH SO MANY CHARACTERS WITHOUT IT GETTING STUPIDLY ALL OVER THE PLACE????!!!!!!

That’s the question. Please answer it. It astounds me.

They called it a Captain America movie. They were heinous liars. This movie was a straight-up Avengers movie. Just without Thor and The Hulk. Literally everyone else (and more) was there. Literally EVERYONE had something substantial to do. How? How did they make it work? HOW DID THEY PULL IT OFF?

The Russo brothers.

Anthony and Joe have been there a while. I’m a big-BIG fan of their work on the television shows Arrested Development and Community. They came in and did a tremendous job with Captain America – The Winter Soldier and I was like: “I don’t know how these guys go from TV to this but OK. Nice one.”  Right now…when it comes to directing a superhero extravaganza, if there’s ever anyone to look out for…it’s these guys. They freaking know how to put a huge ensemble to expedient use.

There’s also a compliment that I should give from the get-go….because it is on the border of impossible to talk about this movie without comparing it to 2016’s other superhero vs. superhero movie.
CA: Civil War got right literally everything that Batman v Superman – Dawn of Justice got wrong. Period. I’m not here to start bashing on that giant, overstuffed cesspit (I already have). It just needs to be said.

So synopsis time. After everything that’s happened with our favourite super team over the past few years/movies it’s time to face the consequences. ‘You guys didn’t think you could just go on being awesome; stopping angsty, psycho gods with daddy issues and angsty, psycho robots with daddy issues and angsty, psycho, inside-job death cults with…(OK, HYDRA doesn’t have a dad that I know of)…all the while obliterating entire cities and inciting almost as much collateral causalty as Hitle…(no) without the governments of the world going like berserk and calling for your heads sanctioning?’

Yeah. Everybody thinks The Avengers have to be called to question for all the destruction and civilian losses in their previous battles. They won’t be allowed to continue their heroic prospects around the globe, unless they sign what seems very much like a ‘let-us-have-your-soul.’ Cap., the leader of The Avengers is like: ‘Hell nah. It’s not our fault. We try to save as many as we can but that doesn’t mean everybody…’ and Tony Stark AKA Iron Man AKA the benefactor is like: ‘Bro, they have a point. All this crap is starting to take it’s toll on me. I have PTSD for Pete’s sake…and people just can’t keep dying and it’s all OK because well, we were saving the world.’

Premise, check. Very serious stuff.

All of that, is coupled with Cap’s brainwashed best friend making things worse, getting framed and inciting revenge from an extremely awesome new character. Oh, and behind it all…a pernicious manipulator (human, btw) working and pulling strings to tear the team to shreds on themselves. Oh and freaking SPIDERMAN. (AS. A. TEENAGER.)

You’re probably only just starting to get it. That the movie was awesome. But I’m only getting started.

I will address the characters now. God. People normally say too many vegetables ruin the soup. I keep trying to not drag WB’s big misfire into this but the truth is there were too many vegetables in BvS and yes, the result was mostly urine-like. I can say they were too many vegetables in Civil War as well. But the thing is they’ve been stewing for quite a while…so when you taste it, you get it. You get them. These characters aren’t just thrown your face. Cap. Tony. Romanoff. They’re as definitive as the MCU itself. And you can see how much they’ve come into their own through the knowing performances from the actors. Chadwick Boseman’s Black Panther on the other hand….I don’t even know. All I can say is; it’s a testament to the genius of the screenwriters or whatever…that a character can be introduced…so naturally entwined and integral to the story, that you just immediately understand him and figure out how he fits in that universe.

And Spiderman. I don’t want to risk meandering here but it baffles me how it took them fourteen years to finally nail this character. A regular kid that just happens upon these extraordinary abilities, but a kid nonetheless, with real serious issues like homework. WAS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK, SONY? WAS IT?!….(Ok. Calm down…) One single scene did what FIVE movies couldn’t. That’s saying something. I’ve never seen the web-slinger so spot on in live-action before. And Tom Holland freaking HAS to get an MVP. He was the highlight of the movie in a lot of ways.

We see all these characters. Their predicaments. Cap.; loyal to the death, trying to preserve what he knows…comrade and ideals. Tony; pragmatic and battle-worn. Not palliated by the new system to be put in place but even more aggravated by the impending fallout. Then the supporters. Who seem to be actual major players at this point. All built upon such a thrilling narrative shell that’s larger than life but completely rooted in human motive from every angle.

I ask you.

What’s not to appreciate about human beings who just happen to be superheroes having to deal with a situation where they find themselves at odds with each other? What’s not to appreciate about a human being that just happens to be the misguided, self-righteous villian; fully aware of motives and limits regarding his adversaries? The MCU does this at it’s best: present characters that are human before anything else.

The MCU also does this at it’s best: deliver action scenes that are so…(there are no words. Believe me, I tried to find some. Couldn’t.) I mean come on. You normally expect such nerdgasmic thrills when seeing a superhero movie but then the movie you are seeing is Captain America: Civil War. Directed by the Russo brothers, with their terrific stunt and effects team. So yes, you do get the nerdgasm you paid for in some jaw-droppingly off-the-charts, well-crafted action set-pieces. You also get…

THAT. FREAKING. AIRPORT. BATTLE. SEQUENCE.

I just can’t.

It was the best action/battle I’ve ever seen in any movie in my life, period. Moving on. (I may recant that. But for now it stays.)

I’ve heard divisive stuff like: “Blaargh! It’s just fan-service at its peak.” and “The story does get convoluted at times.” Please. Tell me, what is a movie based on comic-books read by fans if not a service to them? And please. I don’t see how else a story on this level works. Exactly what is portrayed is exactly what it needs to be. This is the MCU. Yes, transient gags and one-liners are the bread and butter and yes, there may be a few plotholes every now and then. But it is what it is. And it does work. You want real convoluted crap? Go back to March.

Nutshell: I didn’t think a movie like this will finally take its hold in the MCU. Not for many, many years. I genuinely thought the next few years after the milestone Age of Ultron will be more of the same. Sequelitis riddled follow-ups for supporting characters and just basic check-boxes on the list until Infinity Wars. This is why I love how definitive and game-changing CA: CW is with regards to EVERYTHING. The over-arching story, the characters…hell even the Marvel Cinematic Universe itself. It’s like a punchline. Like this is what it is now. Marks have been made. Stuff have been revealed that cannot be taken back. Things will just never be the same from here on out. You get that feeling towards the end and I love it.

The MCU seems to be finding it’s groove again. It’s not to say they ever lost it but they seem to just be coming back to that place where their storytelling was nigh-flawlessly executed; setting the stakes purposefully and straightforwardly in a way that not only satisfies, but makes for the future.

Now, I’m just frothing in the mouth for Spiderman – Homecoming and the next chapter of every other character’s journey.

Kudos again to The Russo brothers on this one. Here’s to the two more movies we’re getting from them in this Shared Universe.

Review: Batman v Superman – Dawn of Justice

DC: Really? Ok. I cannot take this anymore. They’ve been cashing in the billions for closely a decade now. And I’m here. I’ve got heroes that are straight up cultural icons. What do I got to show for it? A decent trilogy; then flop after flop after flop after flop and then a neck snapping. No. I was here first. My guys and their stories are awesome. And come on. I HAD A SUPER TEAM BEFORE THEY DID!!!! FIX IT!!!

Executives and stuff at WB or whatever: Ok, ok. Cool it bro. Look, we got something brewing. At least it looks like we do.

DC: What do you got?! ‘Cause I can’t just be sitting here while they have a monopoly over shared universes with iron suits, green monster-beasts and talking racoons.

Executives and stuff at WB or whatever: Yeah, so, how ’bout we do something where your two biggest heroes go like head to head and destroy everything…then from there we go on and make our own super team movie? It’s sure to rake in the bills. Trust.

DC: Hmmm…seems legit. Do it.

Executives and stuff at WB or whatever: Only thing is…er…we probably won’t get it right (just like before.) And it’s gonna be way too packed and convoluted as sh**. But it’s GONNA bring the bajillions, though. TRUST.

DC: I trust. I don’t care anymore. I want the bills, so just do it.

Executives and stuff at WB or whatever: Right. Here we go.

Whew.

You will read this and immediately feel it is not so much a movie review as it is some angry guy fulminating about how he got peed upon. You will be right to think that. Because that’s how it feels. Like someone (won’t say who just yet) walked up, pulled down their zipper and let it rip all over me. Yep.

I’m pissed.

Three years. I waited three years. (I’m gonna SIDESTEP Man of Steel because that heart-shatterer doesn’t deserve to be talked about.) Three years for Zack Snyder to make things right. To prove himself. To help us forgive him. To make the movie that will define everything. To bring JUSTICE, literally. THREE. FREAKING. YEARS!

I bid my time. And for what it’s worth; it started to seem like he was going to do all the right things. Semblance of a well thought out story unlike the last time, check. The guy who once was Daredevil; set to redeem himself, check. Hype and hype and hype and hype, check. Prime time for cinematic universes, check. I had such high hopes going into the theatre.

SMACK. SPLAT.

What was that? You ask? My hopes, that’s what.

Surprise! He screwed it up-AGAIN! I don’t exactly care who’re the other ones to blame, so I’ll just focus on the director. Batman v Superman was-I won’t say terrible-but it was close. A scatter-shot mess of a superhero film that (for lack of a better phrase) tried too hard. And it sure as hell left me feeling like I had urine all over me.

Look, DC, I get it okay? I’ll have it easier getting the Devil to freeze his Hell than to have the slightest shift in your grim tone. That’s fine. But if you’re gonna be all dreary and hopeless and stuff; then you better at least be meaningful enough to seem profound. We aren’t going to be laughing or having a jolly, swell phase or whatever…but at least give us this “Oommpff!” like “Whoa. I just saw something worth seeing.” It doesn’t only have to be Christopher Nolan pulling off the ‘dark and gritty’.

There was a lot wrong with this movie. And just before I go on lemme just do a nitpick-summary…

  • Mummy and Daddy get mugged dead.
  • Arrgh! You’re ruining my city Wayne Tower. Take your fight somewhere else alien scum.
  • I swear revenge on you hypocritical menace.
  • I wanna be relevant here. So, of all the stupid places to do my stupid news feature, of course it has to be with freaking terrorists on their turf.
  • I don’t have legs anymore as a result of his stupidty. F**k him and f**k this statue of him.
  • Whoa. Mysterious lady in my party…she’s gonna steal from me I bet. It’s happened before. *cough* Catwoman – The Dark Knight Rises *cough*
  • Oh he’s a god now. This will not stand.
  • Political mumbo-jumbo.
  • He ain’t got no boundaries. He has to be stopped.
  • Note to you: The Dark Knight’s straight-up massacring baddies now.
  • Mope. Lois. Mope. Lois. Mope.
  • I’m not bald just yet. I’m just your obnoxiously demented, high-pitched human villain-creep trying to bring down super powered heroes. Oh wait. I’m creating a monstrous super-powered abomination from the corpse of the baddie from the first one, so…ha!
  • Here’s a ‘dream’ for added mystery till the next one comes out.
  • Granny’s Peach Tea. BOOM.
  • Tell me, do you bleed? You will. (bleh)
  • Hey thief chick, you got mail: I know what you are. You’re a hot-ass Amazonian superwoman. We’re trying to put together this Avengers-type thing and we’ve only got this movie to set it all up, so here’s a list of recorded footage straight-up cameo sequence of the other guys. Complete with like their respective graphic logos and all.
  • I’m basically in this movie to fall off something high and have him catch me.
  • Let’s do what the title of the movie is already. Shall we.
  • Here’s some kryptonite fart in your face my good friend.
  • Oh! Our mums have the same name!!! So I guess we’re seriously friends now.
  • Since man won’t kill god…(No. Just no.)
  • Here’s your money’s worth. The abomination monster vs. all three of them.
  • The biggest CGI spectacle you’ve ever seen plus the glory of IMAX. I dare you to be cynical enough to roll your eyes with the glasses on.
  • Oh hell to the no. I ain’t getting slaughtered alone here. You put a spear through my chest? Here’s my own makeshift spear in your own chest. Impale-galore bitch!
  • We’re not sure the movie was depressing enough. Let’s literally end it showing a coffin before it cuts to black.

WHAT?!!

I kept asking myself that as the credits started. “What?” “Where’s the movie I’m supposed to be seeing?!” “And what’s this wet, nasty smelling stuff all over me?” Zach Snyder’s pee. I had high hopes and he peed on me.

It hurts. Because you won’t believe how anticipated this was for me. If there was anyone who wanted to LOVE the movie, it was me. And I’m not even a fanboy.

There were just too many characters. Too many stupid sub-plots. Phenomenally sub-par writing (It was from the guy that wrote the Oscar-winning Argo, so I’m dumbfounded.) Choppy storyboarding. A dastardly deranged Jesse Eisenberg posing as a character I know from the comics (I’ve never rooted more for a character’s demise. I wish Lois would’ve been the one to toss him from the top of LexCorp…but nah…there’s a damsel in distress contract, so the reverse is true.) I was watching like an engaging political thriller this second, then some forced ‘We’re trying to be deep here’ character moments the other second. Sheesh.

The things that did actually work in the movie were some of the performances. Ben Affleck as Batman…He managed to pull off his role…and even though he didn’t get his due diligence to craft The Caped Crusader to perfection…he worked. Holly Hunter as Superman’s prosecutor lady or whatever was good too…as was the tenseness of the court (until it was barbecued). The spectacular action sequences…spot on Zach Snyder level good. And Gal Gadot. ‘Nuff said. 

The rest of it? Bloated CGI and rushed story…the result? Total drag.

It goes, without me having to write this voluble rant; that I feel that the movie could’ve been so much more. I will forever DENY that I’m a fanboy and that this movie being not good enough is not the bane of me but then………

Bottom line? Batman v Superman had it’s ‘awesomeness’ (I can’t dispute that.) It also had it’s messed-up-ness. One more than the other. I know you can guess which.

Marvel: Ha ha ha!!! Look at these desperate dogs! They don’t get it yet. They’re still trying! When it comes to superheroes; I own the movies. So don’t get it twisted OK? It’s gonna take a little more than opening an email and speed-introducing all of your guys to unseat me. I mean come on! You’re supposed to take your time! Think I was dumdum when I gave the lightening guy his own movie just to stretch things? Ha! You just wait. This coming month…I’m gonna teach you how you get two of your biggest heroes to go head to head.